If I had $1,000,000 (RSK)

This is the song "If I Had $1000000", written and recorded by the Barenaked Ladies, and performed (with a few small lyrical changes) by D. Frayne Dog Darrel Dog Bobo Bourne and myself around the campfire.

---Rsk

If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you a house
I would buy you a house
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you furniture for your house
Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you a K-Car
A nice Reliant automobile
If I had a million dollars I'd buy your love.

If I had a million dollars
I'd build a tree fort in our yard
If I had a million dollars
You could help, it wouldn't be that hard
If I had a million dollars
Maybe we could put that little tiny fridge in there somewhere.
Y'know we could just go up there and hang out,
like, open the fridge and stuff,
and there'd be foods laid out for us,
little pre-wrapped sausages and things...
They have pre-wrapped sausages, but they don't have pre-wrapped bacon.
Well, can ya blame em?
Yeah!

If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you a fur coat
But not a real fur coat that's cruel
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you an exotic pet
Like a llama or an emu
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you John Merrick's remains
All them crazy elephant bones
If I had a million dollars I'd buy your love.

If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I had a million dollars
We'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more.
If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner
But we would eat Kraft Dinner
Of course we would, we'd just eat more.
And buy really expensive ketchups...
That's right, all the fanciest Dijon ketchups!

If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you a green dress
But not a real green dress, that's cruel
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you some art
A Picasso or a Garfunkel
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you a monkey
Haven't you always wanted a monkey?

If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
But not a real Treece, that's cruel
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million doll-oll-oll-oll-ars
I'd be RICH!
No, you wouldn't, see, I'm Rich. Well, in one sense of course.

---

GSP Decathlon (RSK)

(Entrance: Darrel plays the Olympic Theme on his Hohner. A Bic lighter represents The Torch.)

In just about a month, the Olympic games will take place not far south of here (whitewater slalom is on the Ocoee River in Tennessee). In recognition of this, I'd like to announce the events comprising the GSP Decathlon.

But first, some notes on events that were dropped:

• Tent Sex is being omitted due to rampant cheating and the failure of some competitors to distinguish between solo and tandem events.
• Dating Rsk has been dropped -- an excess of competitors, and the equipment is undergoing periodic maintenance.
• Spud Catch, regretfully, is not with us this year.
• Doing Three Things Stupider Than Steve has been left out since no one made it past qualifications except Ed "Why, my hair feels much better in the tent zipper" Bronson.

Now, the 10 events that will determine our champion:

1. Campground Slalom
   Similar to whitewater slalom, you must make your way from the far end of the GSP camp (at night) to the campfire without a flashlight. 5-second penalty for knocking over dining flies, lawn ornaments or dogs; 50 seconds for stepping on GSPs or passed-out MRT personnel. Three-beer minimum. Finals to be held during re-shoot of S/FX scene for "Twister II" (or "The Weather Channel: The Movie").
2. Bobbing for Beers
   You'll be issued a small flashlight with dead batteries and asked to retrieve a specific variety of beer from the communal cooler. Faster time wins. No hands. Hypothermia disqualifies, as does inhaling the flashlight.
3. Covert Late-Night Urination
   Points awarded for time (maximum) and distance (minimum) from the campfire. Detection means disqualification. Women are given at 10 meter handicap. If you are caught or killed (everybody!) the secretary will disavow all knowledge.
4. The Wood Scrounge
   Scored by the pound, this event consists of competitors attempting to retrieve the most wood from other campsites. Bonus for wood already on fire. Double bonus for wood from a populated campfire. Use of cardboard boxes outlawed since the 1990 Schwab tragedy.
5. Child Herding
   Given a group of six hyperactive children who have just been fed a sugar-laden breakfast after two days of being confined to their tents because of rain...the task is to get them all to the bathroom and into one vehicle for a trip to the lake. Deductions for naked or missing children. Use of border collies not allowed.
6. Synchronized Mooning
   Consists of two parts: compulsory figures and freestyle. Scored by panel of judges on technical merit and artistic interpretation. Thongs are not allowed. No use of artificial aids unless they have been surgically implanted. Men wearing white jockey shorts are disqualified. Extra points for tattoos. Men's, women's, mixed, and multi-species events.
7. Dining Fly Support
   Competitors will attempt to keep three dining flies from collapsing while event officials challenge them by randomly kicking out poles, cutting support strings, and pulling up stakes. Event to be held *in case of rain*. Deductions for number of items that get wet.
8. MRT Shower Endurance
   In this event, participants will try to rinse: lather: repeat while using the 200-degree F .01 CFS flow in the MRT shower while other competitors engage in random toilet flushing. Use of asbestos not allowed. Winners judges based on percent 3rd-degree burns.
9. Aquatic Crash and Burn
   A team sport, points are awarded on the basis of the photographic potential as well as the carnage factor and difficult. For example:
   • Pulling out a fellow GSP in flatwater 5
   • ...MRT guide in flatwater 10
   • Jumping out in Surprise 15
   • ...in Fayette Station 25
   • ...in Lower Keeney 50
   • ...in Double Z 60
   • ...above the undercut 75
   • ...taking guide with you 100
   • ...into six inches of water 200
   • ...with video rolling 250
   • ...pointing toes on entry 300
   • ...and flipping entire raft 500
10. Full-Contact Exterior Decorating
    Competitors will be asked to purchase materials at any store ending in "-Mart" along US 19, not to exceed $25, and then construct a campground display with them. Judging criteria include tackiness, inappropriateness, inclusion of socially offensive themes, and use of colors not found in nature.

---

Be like a Treece

(Tune: Swinging on a Star)

RSK is a GSP with too many boats
That man will paddle anything that floats
He's conquered the Yough, conquered the New
But can't tell the difference between Paul and Sue
If you want to be wet all day,
you could grow up to be RSK

Or would you rather be like a Treece
Close the campfire down about three
Eating budgee pies as you please....

Or you could be like Eileen.
Eileen is the GSP with the prettiest face
Except her husband is a terrible disgrace
While she shoots rapids and punches holes
He shoots a budzooka and clobbers cows
If you want to grow up to make a scene
You could grow up to be Eileen

Or would you rather be like a Treece
Close the campfire down about three
Eating budgee pies as you please....

Or you could grow up to be a Schwab.
Schwab is a GSP with too much class
He doesn't belong with this mass.
With his beer, and cizers, meads and wines
between he and his cats, he's drinking all the time
and if you want to make imbibing your job,
You could grow up to be like Schwab.

Or would you rather be like a Treece
Close the campfire down about three
Eating budgee pies as you please....

Or you could grow up to be like Deb.
Deb is the GSP who'll wear any shirt,
She doesn't care whose morales she'll hurt.
With lizards on their backs and on their knees
Is she for real or only a tease?
And if you want to know for sure,
You may grow up to be like her.

Or would you rather be like a Treece
Close the campfire down about three
Eating budgee pies as you please....

Or you could grow up to be like Don.
Don is a GSP who goes to extremes,
He doesn't know what moderation means.
He's got the Rambo fly, the Rambo grill
But we think a Rambo baby carriage is overkill.
And if you want your gear to weigh a ton,
You might grow up to be like Don.

Or would you rather be like a Treece
Close the campfire down about three
Eating budgee pies as you please....

Or you could grow up to be like Malcolm.
Malcolm's the GSP who started this trip,
But he never comes adequatly equipped.
He photos on the web can now be seen
So you can see my but on the big screen!
And if your name rhymes with talcum,
You could grow up to be like Malcolm.

Or would you rather be like a Treece
Close the campfire down about three
Eating budgee pies as you please
You could be swimming Double Z....
If you only were a Treece.

---

You might be a GSP...

Some of you may be wondering, "What is a GSP?" or maybe "Am I a GSP?" Well in response we offer the following:

(With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy)
By Michele and Tony Andrews, and Tammie and Dan Osborn

You Might be a GSP if...

• Half of your vacation time is used up in WV each year.
• You know the "G" stands for gravy.
• You can identify at least 10 GSP's by the sight of their butts, specifically, if you can tell the difference between Sue & Paul.
• You know the exact date of the Great Fire at MRT.
• You've ever told a joke about chemestry, physics or electricity and most of your friends GOT IT.
• You've spent $24,000 on camping gear that you use once a year.
• You've waited in the parking lot for the Bob Evans to open in Charleston.
• You know who the real Michael Jackson is.
• You can recite the MRT safety speech, complete with bad jokes ("the New River Gorge bridge is made entirely of Oleo Margarine")
• You have put out a campfire with beer - from a bottle OR your bladder.
• You're looking forward to the Geezer Float Trip 30 years from now - complete with oar boats - on the upper New River.
• You have accepted a collect call from Gary S. Peterson.
• You have received a shrubbery as a wedding gift.
• You've "Lusted after Lance" - (one for you female GSP's)
• you know the correct spelling and pronunciation of "WHOOYAH"
• You have been to a party where one of the following occured:
  1. The floor broke
  2. A EE Prof forcibly removed your socks & shoes
  3. Clam shells were thrown over the roof of the house
• You have been wrapped up in the Whitewater Investigations for the past 2 years - OH, SORRY WRONG LIST - Thats GOP.
• You've ever hit on Ken Shoemaker's little sister.
• You've ever guzzled a beer while being jerked around in a toy train.
• You've ever rafted with vegatables or small water fowl on your helmet.
• You have made a "Toast to the Post"
• You've ever used the trunk of a rental car for a beer cooler.
• You know the meaning of the following acronyms: MRT HKN RSK PH T3 CAK PFD HJ & LJ GHG RJS CFS GSP KS ECN PUCC KDS IPA
• AND you still have/had a 3 digit user ID on ECN and can remember it!
• You even came to the raft trip the year you changed jobs, moved across country and gave birth to triplets - just to stay high on the list of potential organizers!
• You have dated RSK - OR dated/married someone who dated RSK!
• You have forgotten your 1st kiss, but still vividly see Ed's butt in your dreams.
• You're starting to think Dan Osborn looks pretty damn good in lipstick.
• You've boasted to friends & family about winning a beer making contest - neglecting to mention it was the GSP raft trip tasting.
• You ever considered naming your first born daughter Nyssa.
• Your belches can silence the frogs - YOU might be Pete Hallenbeck.
• You chronicle raft trips by Ed's butt decor... (Oh yeah, that was the year Ed wore...)
• You have digitally removed Cheryl Tieg's bathing suit.
• You have mooned a llama - long distance.
• You've shocked friends & relatives with nude footage of Paul Carlile.