Criteria

Whitewater

Sex

Enjoyable?

Yes, in excess

Yes, in excess

Timing?

Daylight recommended

24x7

Indoor?

No

Yes

Outdoor?

Yes

Yes

Availability?

Nationwide except for places that are too flat

Nationwide except for places that are too conservative

Equipment?

Recommended

Optional

Safety Devices?

Darn good idea

Darn good idea

Hazardous?

Depends on choice of rivers

Depends on choice of partners

Solo?

Available and fun

Available but not much fun

Tandem?

Requires teamwork; stray elbows can hurt.

Requires teamwork; stray elbows (and knees) can hurt.

Group?

Need large rubber raft

Also need large quantities of rubber

Repairs?

Duct tape

Plastic surgery

Helmet?

Yes

Only for bunk beds

Rope?

Yes

Depends on choice of partners (grab the rope, not the bag, please)

Paddle?

Yes

See "rope"

Rolling?

Required but not fun

Fun but not required

Higgins?

Could be fun

One of the four signs of the Apocalypse

Treece?

Will probably fall out

Will probably fall down

GSPs in general?

Intense and Excellent

Excellent in tents

Whitewater

For Men

For Women

Class I- beginner; small riffles

Sally Field in a dress

Two wild and crazy guys (SNL)

Class II - novice; small waves, some rocks

Erika Eleniak in a bikini

Kanuboy (Just after a refreshing swim)

Class III - intermediate; big waves, some hydraulics

Pamela Anderson (with tattoos) in camouflage lingerie

Helpless MRT guide saran-wrapped to a picnic table

Class IV - advanced; precise maneuvering in tight passages

Precise maneuvering in tight passages

Harrison Ford (as Han Solo, w/o shirt)

Class V - expert; BFW, BFH, BFR

Sigourney Weaver in that scene from "Ghostbusters"

Mel Gibson (with or without shirt)

Class VI - crazed expert; don't go there

Strang, Gelblat, and Smith sisters in lime jello

Lance in oleomargine (with parsley sprig